I wanted the name of my upcoming new Comedy Central Live Tour to reflect what I’m all about. Naturally, I decided on “The Sexy Tour”.

I realize this tour name might cause some questions. So, in an effort to avoid looking like a lunatic, I decided to interview myself. I met myself in at a luxury hotel lobby bar in downtown Manhattan.

Me: Hi, Jim. Thanks for doing this interview.

Jim: Happy to do it, Jim. By the way, I’m a big fan or your acting and stand up.

Me: Thanks. How will this new tour be different from “Beyond the Pale”?

Jim: Well, this tour will be all new material and it is called “The Sexy Tour”.

Me: Is the new material Sexy?

Jim: No, no, no. I still deal with hard hitting issues like bacon, legal documents and bean bag chairs, but it is still a clean, all ages show. The only thing sexy about the show is me. I can’t help that part.

Me: No, you can’t. You are a balding, married guy with two kids, not normally what society considers sexy. Many will think you are being ironic with the tour name, The Sexy Tour.

Jim: Huh? That’s odd.

Me: I mean, what about your body, Jim?

Jim: Thank you. Yes, I do have a sexy body. Staying in shape is hard. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that. I already have a gut. Women like guts. It means I’m brave. I can protect women.

Me: Good point. What is sexy?

Jim: Good question, Jim. It’s like you are reading my mind. What is sexy? Is it appearing half naked in a photo spread in Maxim? Well, if it’s picture of me. Yes, that is sexy.

Me: I agree. You are sexy Jim Gaffigan. How can I find out which cities you will be going to on The Sexy Tour and be notified of a special presale in late March?

Jim: Another good question. You can check out where I’ll be going here. To be notified of the special pre-sale click here. There will also be a special Facebook Pre-sale for people on Facebook.

Me: Wow, that is so awesome. How can I--

Waitress: Excuse me sir, some other patrons have been complaining about you talking to yourself rather loudly. Can you keep it down? (Waitress exits)

Me: What’s that crazy bitch’s problem?

Jim: It’s ok. My sexiness has that effect on some women.