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The Manatee Letters

Dear Mr. Gaffigan,

My friend Dave and I are manatees and are very excited to see your upcoming show in Boston. We're catching a cab from our home in the main tank at the New England Aquarium, just down the road and across 6 lanes of deadly traffic from where you're playing in Fanueil Hall. Please look for us somewhere around row 10, we'll be the big lumbering masses surrounded by marine biologists who will be constantly wetting our hides and feeding us cod. Never before has anyone captured the life of a manatee as you have in your material. We're a special breed, odd-looking, highly intelligent, yet able to see the funny side of anything...much like you. Thanks for everything you've done for the manatees, especially the Adopt-a-Manatee program that briefly ran in Nebraska. If the program had been instituted in an area that actually had an ocean nearby, we're sure it would have been much more successful.

We're big fans...we've even persuaded our friends, the Grouper and the Halibut to catch your appearance on Comedy Central Presents, which is no easy task since they only have basic cable. Thanks for making us laugh...which, if you've never heard a manatee laugh before, sounds a lot like Ethel Merman being put through a hay baler.

We look forward to seeing you.

As sincerely as one can be while trying to outswim an amorous giant turtle,
Gary 'Petey' Manatee
David 'Spanky' Manatee
New England Aquarium, Boston

More From Manatees

Dear Jim-atee,

Well, the day is rapidly approaching and Dave and I haven't been this excited since, well...since Bob the Seahorse had his baby. (It's a beautiful baby, by the way. We just wish Bob's wife would stay home and spend some time with it: she's always going out with the girls, drinking and playing cards. There's something kinda weird about that couple.) Anyway, we're very excited about seeing you at the Comedy Connection at 8pm. Please don't get sick or abducted by aliens or anything like that, or else we'll probably have to sit through Steve Sweeney or Steven Wright or someone like that, and we know for a fact that they don't do manatee impressions.

We have a dilemma here at the New England Aquarium...we want to watch Conan O'Brien on Tuesday night, but the TV in the main tank is only picking up Animal Planet for some reason...which wouldn't be so bad if they did a show on manatees every so often. We fear we'll be stuck watching the 'Life of the African Pigmy Squirrel' special yet again, instead of our favorite manatee on Conan. Oh well...have a good show...give Conan hell...he's from the Boston area and he has yet to visit us at the Aquarium. Hell, even Denis Leary has visited the Aquarium, if only to throw cigarette butts at the penguins.

Have a nice day in NYC.
Sincerely,
Gary 'Petey' Manatee
David 'Spanky' Manatee

Please Stop!

Dear Senor Gaffigan,

My computer doesn't have a key to make that cool little squiggly thing above the "Senor" so you'll have to bear with me.

Anyhoo, I am writing to you today to ask you to please stop doing comedy.

My mother watched a Comedy Central Special of yours about two years ago and immediately became convinced that you were the comedy messiah. She acts like a manatee at least once a day now. We even had to put a saltwater tank in our apartment. It was quite expensive so, as a result, my brother cannot go to obedience school, my dog was unable to get braces and my grandmother was not able to get the artificial monkey heart she desperately needed. She didn't die or anything, but let's just say that Thanksgiving dinner just wasn't the same without her famous "Monkey Heart casserole."

I thought that I may have found a solution to my problems by pursuing a career in comedy myself; I have been doing it for about two years now to no avail. My mother still spends minutes, sometimes HOURS in that tank and constantly reminds me that "I'm not as funny as Jim "Gattifan." (Sure, she screws up your name.)

In short, you are ruining my life by being so godforsaki'n funny, so if you could just quit now and pursue a career in something else, that would be great.

As for the time being, my mom is currently having my name taken out of her will and having yours added in my place. She may be contacting you to obtain some personal information soon. I am not allowed to enter her house without giving her the "magic password" which, sickeningly enough is "Oh look at me, I'm Michelle and I'm so dumb, I'll never be as funny as Jim, blah, blah, blah."

That's just stupid. No password should be that long.

Your friend unless you continue to do comedy.

Michelle Armstrong
Dallas, Texas

Autograph Hunter

Jim,

I just heard your interview this morning on WAAF in Boston, and hope to make it out to the Comedy Connection tonight!

Anyway, I have listened to many of your interviews and think you are one funny son-of-a-gun!! And I think it's incredible what you've been able to accomplish over the past few years... from Saturn commericials to hanging with Nomar, Jeter and David Letterman - WOW!!

I have a question/favor... Is there any way to get a signed 8x10 of you? No, I'm not a talent scout, just a fan! If so, I'd be forever grateful.

PS: I have watched every clip on your website - funny s#*t!!! Loved the Vermont Lottery guy, Energizer Benny, and the first Letterman stand-up, although it was all classic. Good luck with the future - look forward to seeing you again!

Bob T., President,
www.bottleblaster.com