I have a very special announcement to make.

I suppose for every person there are events that forever change your reality.

Days you know you will look back with an enormous sense of nostalgia.

Even though dozens of pictures have already been taken, I won't need any reminders of the way I feel right now.

As you can imagine, I felt blessed when I learned my wife got pregnant on our wedding night, and was filled with joy and wonder each day as we watched the pregnancy progress. But now, at long last, I'd like to announce a new arrival that will truly change my life forever. Today 11:35am I became the proud owner of a high definition plasma screen television. It weighed in at 66 pounds, five ounces and is 42 inches long. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Pictures to follow.

I'm learning new things about my 8-month-old daughter every day. Sure there are impressive developments, like how she loves to bang her head on everything and chew on electrical cords, but there are some that concern me. I guess her wild competitiveness gives me hesitation. I mean, I understand why she begs me to be in those baby beauty pageants, but lately she's obsessed on this Comedy Central Stand Up Showdown. She keeps telling me to remind people they can vote for me ONCE A DAY. Well, whatever keeps the kid off the drugs.

I guess I'm like most parents of a newborn. Occasionally I do think my 8-month-old daughter is a genius, but then I remember her favorite thing to do is to chew on electrical cords.

Well my daughter is turning one tomorrow and I think I found her the perfect gift. An autographed copy of my new CD/DVD. I know what your thinking. She doesn't deserve it, but you know what? She's my daughter and I'll spoil her if I want to.

Well, I didn't expect to bond with our one month old right away, but I have to admit I'm little frustrated. Today my wife had me watch our newborn daughter for the afternoon and, well, things started falling apart right away. Immediately she starts fussing. I'm no idiot, I realize she's hungry. So I order us some Indian food. I figure she must be so sick of that milk. Every meal milk. Tell me that wouldn't drive anyone crazy. Okay, I was little disappointed she didn't offer to chip in, but hey I offered.

Now I understand someone not liking Indian food, but there is no reason to cry about it. Granted, my wife doesn't care for it much, so I shouldn't have been surprised. But cry? I mean come on? It's Indian food.

Well, I thought that was the end of it. She fell asleep and I ate my Vindaloo. Then boom! She wakes up still crying about the Indian food. Now I've heard of people getting nauseated by the smell of tequila, or being frightened by the sound of a gunshot, but you should have seen what she did to her diaper. Anyway, I guess the lesson is that this bonding thing is gonna take some time.

When my wife informed me that our 18-month-old daughter was about to get a tattoo, I was shocked. And when I was told it was a tattoo on her forehead, I was like, “No way”. But then I found out that it was just a simple, pretty tattoo of my cd/dvd cover. I thought, “Hey, it's her life and if that's what she wants.” Besides if she decides when she's three she doesn't like the tattoo, she can always wear a veil.

My one-year-old daughter is already concerned about her age. She wants me to tell people she's zero. It's embarrassing cause she really can't pull off some of the newborn outfits anymore.

Like most of you when I get a holiday card this time of year it stirs up a lot of emotions. First, guilt, because I know the sender will not be getting a card from me. Second, amazement, that someone would spend the time and effort to send out something that is heading right to my trash.

Maybe it's just me. But when you see a teenager fall off a skateboard doesn't it put you in good mood?

I'm doing a benefit for the Duneland Extreme Sports Park on Friday August 6th at 8pm